SATURDAY JOKES - 210

 

Kuala Terengganu, Terengganu, Malaysia

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. 

#1. you have to be single, and 

#2. you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm a Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, sister but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Protestant."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

As long as you hold one hand, I can capture the world with the other!

 

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

I have missed you for the last 24 hours, 1440 minutes, and 86400 seconds! 

 

I went to a haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some wild animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!

 

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So, you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So, you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So, they would love you!"

 

Is it hot in here, or are you just raising the temperature? 

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!!!"

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‘Friendly fire’ between UMNO Youth head and Bersatu counterpart opens a can of worms?

 

SO Bersatu Youth chief Wan Ahmad Fayhsal Wan Ahmad Kamal has not taken lightly the pot shot by his UMNO counterpart Dr Muhamad Akmal Saleh who questioned his sudden switch of stance of not intending to shut down vernacular schools should Perikatan Nasional (PN) emerge the government of the day.

In retaliation, the Machang MP snubbed Akmal by asking the latter to first rebuke his party president Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi over his swearing on the Quran to showcase his seriousness about UMNO’s “No Anwar, No DAP” stance in the run-up to the Nov 19, 2022 15th General Election (GE15).

“This is also insulting the name of Allah just like the KK Mart sock case, perhaps even more insulting given it involved sumpah laknat (an oath made by a Muslim to God asking for divine retribution in the form of a curse against the other party if the latter is lying),” rebutted Ahmad Fayhsal on his Facebook page.

“So willing to swear and poke fun at Allah’s name just to seek Malay support before GE15. Just to save one’s neck. Apparently, ended up sealing a deal with the devil.

“Don’t blame the people if they are angry and feel cheated when the one responsible in allowing DAP people like Nga Kor Ming to be in power is none other than UMNO itself.”

But surely Akmal who is also the Merlimau state assemblyman is spot on that Ahmad Fayhsal has committed a fallacy of “comparing apples and oranges”, especially given the former’s original post had centred on the future of vernacular schools as opposed to “political power”.

“I thought you would have made apple to apple comparison but apparently you made an apple to orange comparison by highlighting someone else’s statement,” teased the Melaka state executive councillor for rural development, agriculture and food security.

“The difference between what you said before and what you say now is obvious. The person may still be the same but the stance is different according to the season; that’s the difference between you and I.

“Accusing people is not good but in the end, we’re also doing the wrong thing. My advice as a friend is that if we think of others as having no principles, then we’ve to first prove that we’re people of principle, otherwise nobody would believe us. My final advice is not to fumble so easily.” – Focus Malaysia

Journalists ‘frightened off’ from probing sensitive issues, says news veteran

 

A Kadir Jasin, a former chief editor and government media adviser, said journalists’ reluctance stems from the confusion and ambiguity around offences related to 3R issues.

PETALING JAYA: Malaysia’s decline in the World Press Freedom Index was due to journalists being discouraged from investigating certain issues deemed sensitive, says veteran newsman A Kadir Jasin.

Kadir said the reluctance stems from the confusion and ambiguity surrounding offences related to 3R issues on race, religion and royalty.

“They are frightened (off) from probing these issues,” said Kadir, a former chief editor of New Straits Times who was appointed to the Prime Minister’s Office as a special adviser on media affairs in 2018.

He told FMT  he felt that those involved with high level communications within government appeared to be “uninformed or were not serious in handling queries”.

Fahmi’s warnings

Saifuddin Abdullah.

Former communications minister Saifuddin Abdullah said another factor that contributed to the drop in ranking was the government’s habit of issuing all kinds of warnings, especially by the minister in charge.

“Take, for example, the remark that ‘a police car will be in front of your house’,” he said, referring to comments by government spokesman and communications minister Fahmi Fadzil in June last year.

Fahmi drew criticism after he made his remark at detractors during a  TikTok live session. He later clarified that the warning was aimed at those who made remarks that touched on 3R matters and not meant for his critics.

Yesterday, the World Press Freedom Index report showed that Malaysia’s ranking had declined by 34 places to 107th compared to 73rd last year.

Unfulfilled promises

Both Kadir and Saifuddin also agreed that the government’s failure to enact reforms it had promised in the past had also contributed to the drop.

Kadir said many of the government’s promises remain unfulfilled, and in some cases, the country had moved backwards.

“Our access to communication is among the best but what we can discuss continues to be limited by the laws, which the Pakatan Harapan government promised to abolish or amend but did not,” he said.

Saifuddin said the government was not even able to abolish the Sedition Act, which he described as a “low-hanging fruit”.

In March, the Cabinet agreed to commence the process of amending the controversial Act, beginning with engagements with the police.

Wan Fayhsal puts blame on Fahmi

Wan Fayhsal Kamal.

Bersatu Youth chief Wan Ahmad Fayhsal Wan Ahmad Kamal said the score shows that Putrajaya, especially Fahmi, as the government’s spokesman, had been “lying all this while” in terms of the image it was trying to project.

“The report clearly shows that the government is autocratic, despotic and a liar,” he said, attributing the drop in ranking to Fahmi.

“The source of the problems is Fahmi himself because he is pussyfooting around and using the MCMC to intimidate others which has led to the drop in ranking.” - FMT

PH candidate unveils 5-point manifesto for Kuala Kubu Baharu polls

 

DAP’s Pang Sock Tao is the unity government’s candidate for the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election that is taking place next Saturday. (Bernama pic)

HULU SELANGOR: Pakatan Harapan (PH) candidate Pang Sock Tao has unveiled a five-point manifesto for the Kuala Kubu Baharu (KKB) state by-election.

With the theme “Kekal Kuala Kubu”, or “Retain Kuala Kubu”, the manifesto focuses on economic activities, facilities, environment and recreation, heritage and culture, and the people’s well-being.

Pang, who is representing the unity government in the by-election, said under the economic thrust, she aims to boost economic activities based on industrial development in Hulu Selangor, besides empowering the local tourism sector and entrepreneurship.

“I will also advocate for high-tech investments, which will create job opportunities for the local residents,” she said when launching the manifesto at a ceramah here last night.

Pang, 31, said under the facilities core, she aspires to implement improvements to the transportation system and public amenities besides enhancing the internet speed in Kuala Kubu Baharu.

On the environmental and recreational thrust, she pledged to ensure the constituency undergoes sustainable development without neglecting environmental conservation aspects.

“Under the heritage and cultural core, I will also launch initiatives to preserve and promote the heritage and culture in Kuala Kubu Baharu. I am determined to preserve and maintain the area as an outstanding heritage and cultural site in Malaysia,” she said.

Pang added that she will also prioritise the issue of people’s well-being to ensure no one is left behind.

“I express my gratitude to the party leadership for choosing me as the candidate. This is my manifesto if elected as a representative of the people.

“This manifesto is the result of feedback I received from Kuala Kubu Baharu residents I met after campaigning for almost a week and also the result of research conducted by me and the campaign team,” she said.

DAP secretary-general Anthony Loke, DAP national deputy chairman Gobind Singh Deo, Amanah president Mohamad Sabu and Selangor PH chairman Amirudin Shari were among the PH leaders who attended the event.

The by-election is a four-cornered fight involving Pang, Khairul Azhari Saut (Perikatan Nasional), Hafizah Zainuddin (Parti Rakyat Malaysia) and Nyau Ke Xin (Independent).

The seat fell vacant following the death of incumbent Lee Kee Hiong of DAP on March 21 due to cancer.

Polling is on May 11 and early voting is on May 7. - FMT

KKB BLOG | Harapan Youth dares PN hopeful to clear air on loan shark claims

DAY 8 | It’s the eighth day of the 14-day campaigning period for the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election before voters head to the polls on May 11.

We will report from time to time from the ground.

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Declare your assets, clear your name, PN candidate dared

8.45am: Pakatan Harapan Youth has dared the Perikatan Nasional candidate for the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election, Khairul Azhari Saut, to declare his assets and liabilities.

According to Harapan youth information chief Ammar Atan, this is to enable Khairul to clear his name amid claims that he owed close to RM40,000 to loan sharks.

“Following the controversy regarding Khairul’s academic qualifications, now he has become embroiled in questions about his alleged debt. In fact, he has avoided answering when confronted with this topic.

“According to the Kelantan mufti, borrowing from loan sharks is a sinful act, and Khairul’s act of avoiding answering on this topic may be a prelude to how he will deal with his constituents later, should he be elected,” Ammar says in a statement today.

Thus, he dares Khairul to declare his assets and liabilities, so that aspersions would no longer be cast on his suitability as a candidate. - Mkini